Hope

I work really, really hard at keeping my expectations low and all hope at bay.  I have been crush too many times in the last 2 years to think positively.  The days of the glass being half-full and everything working out for the best are long, long gone.  How I could ever been that naive is  mind blowing.

But that being said, I had a good interview today.  Maybe even a great interview.  I was comfortable, conversational and just "on".  It felt good to shine and smile (and mean it).  It felt good to walk out with confidence and not cry in the car on the way home.

There are no guarantees.  Even though I am so over qualified for this job that it is embarrassing, there is still a chance someone else may be a better fit.

But I have the tiniest amount of hope today.  And it feels both good and sickening.

Monday

It is morning again.

And again I sit here with that all too familiar feeling in my belly.  It is something between nausea and punch in the gut.  Waiting.  Praying for something to happen - for the phone to ring. For someone to want me.  To hire me.

I am paralyzed by this waiting.  I can't leave the house.  I can't do laundry.  I can't focus on my book.  All I can do is sit and wait.

It is so disgusting.

I would never want anyone to know how bad it is.  How pathetic I really have become.

And today is a little worse.  I have to go for oral surgery this afternoon.  That means leaving the house and being away from the phone.  That phone that isn't going to ring anyway.

So this is Monday.  And Tuesday will be the same.  And my life sucks.

A New Blog

New issues. New problems. New blog.

I am at an all time low.

I have no job. No hope. No money. Nothing to smile about. Unemployment has run out and health insurance is a distant memory.  I am overwhelmed with anxiety and depression and just anger at the universe.  Everything is so fucking unfair.

Prayers don't work. Hard work hasn't paid off. Begging is useless.

No one understands. No one can help.  There doesn't seem to be a reason to get out of bed in the morning or leave the house anymore.

I have lost all the good parts of my personality and all of the joy in my life.  I am miserable person these days. This is not me.  I am the happy-go-lucky one.  I can find joy in any miserable situation.  I smile through it all.

But not anymore.  And I am just totally out of ideas on how to get out of this hole.